River flow

“I love you,” Jessie whispered, barely loud enough for David to hear him. He looked intently at David, holding on for a reply. He gently bumped his hand into David’s, until he held it gently. David continued to look at the sight he was brought to see. His jaw dropped as he saw the number of waterfalls across the vast valley. Birds flew around them and deer stood in the meadows far enough away that they couldn’t make out what they were without binoculars. “Jessie, how did you find this place?” He looked towards him, his white teeth shining in the sun. His face abrasive with the growing dark hair on his cheeks and around his mouth. The two stood upon a cliff with a river swimming along side them until dropping off into a wide waterfall. The river was surprisingly deep to become so wide and shallow and throw so much water off down the cliff, “It’s so beautiful.” “I wanted a place we could call ours,” Jessie said sweetly as he laid out a blanket upon the rocks. The mist was barely strong enough to dance upon their skin. They sat upon the blanket and Jessie began opening his backpack to reveal peanut butter and jelly sandwiches and water to quench the thirst that was building up over the long hike up the side of the mountainous hill.  Nervous, David spoke, “I love you too, Jessie.” and nuzzled his face against his as they sat side by side watching the sun set over the other side of the valley. Jessie slowly turned his head toward David and leaned in as Jessie had. Their eyes closed and together their lips touched ever so slowly they caressed each other and let the night take over.

Quiet is Violent

“Fine I’ll say it, I feel alone.” The young girl spoke softly. She didn’t look much older than ten, and that’s when I realized that these problems really do start young. Although with more people talking about why they’re here, it all seems to blend together. It is as though every story is the same with some twist like a mother instead of father or a sibling thing or school. It’s all just it’s all so bland. It’s disappointing that these people can’t seem to see how much their family truly loves them.

Here, I am. A 15-year-old boy with an eating disorder. Who would have thought, that a 15-year-old boy would have self-esteem issues? My mum didn’t. My mum, she’s great, but sometimes she just has this thing where she’d rather just turn out the lights and go to bed. It happened frequently; especially at the dinner table. I would start off telling her things about school, or stuff that I did or saw during the day, and things that I’ve been thinking about; just while we ate together because that was when we spent our family time together. But suddenly she wouldn’t hear me anymore or at least tuned me out. She was still there, just, not with me. She’d continue smoking her cigarette and just stare blankly out the window. She wouldn’t eat any of her own food and I’d often plead with her to eat but I knew she couldn’t keep it down anymore than I could stop myself from puking my own guts out. She was gentle and I knew there was something behind that stare. We knew my father wasn’t ever coming back. It was hard to move forward but harder to forget about. I’m sure it was in the front of her mind just as it always was in mine. It was a sudden accident. No one truly saw it coming. He was a great guy, most people loved him, or at least the ones that truly knew him. He was a war veteran, an honest man. He loved us very much and we loved him too, and to know he’s gone- he shouldn’t be gone, he should be here with us, he served his time in the army. He made it home.

“Why!? Why!? He did nothing wrong!” I had put my palms to my eyes, covering them from the light. Soft sobs escape my lips. I stop and regain control. It was a Wednesday. It was early too, because I was in my 3rd period class. My father was supposed to pick me up from school at 3:05 so that we could have father and son time. I wasn’t so keen on it at the time- I’d have rather been with my friends but I would keep that to myself from then on. I was called to the office in the middle of class and my biggest worry was that I would miss key details for the test the following week. I was told to sit in an office. I sat alone for only seconds but it felt like an eternity. Until my mother came into the room and sat in the chair facing mine.

“Why do you feel so Alone?” The counsellor questioned. The shrillness of the woman’s voice brought me back to the present. I felt cold and shivered a bit.

Can I leave yet?

“Mostly because I don’t feel listened to or heard, it’s always as though my opinion never matters to anyone and no matter how hard I try, no matter the topic I speak on, no one cares. And I feel like it’s a waste of time; trying to be heard. So instead, I’ve started doing this,” she motioned to her arm and peeled the sweater up to her elbow to reveal deep and shallow cuts in her wrist and forearm, “to sort of express myself. Or at least release my frustrations. Even when I scream the loudest of all my peers, I only sound as though I  am a mouse encased in a small box, preventing any noise from escaping. “

“You speak with great metaphors, do you happen to write? or perhaps just read a lot?”

“I write sometimes. I read more than I write though.”

“I would imagine your writing is remarkable. You speak quite well.”

“Thank you Mrs. Browning.”

Ugh, I dislike people who speak in metaphors. 

“Okay, next will be you, what’s your name fella?” She stared at me, waiting for me to say something. I’m not ready for this yet.

“Ok, uhm, Hi, I’m Jacob. I’m I don’t know, I’m here because, uhm-” I brush my sweaty palms through my coarse hair. I try to think of how to start without stealing a story from somebody else, without really talking about my home life.

“It’s okay Jacob take your time, and no one is judging you today.” The counsellor was quick with her words. I found it careless that she couldn’t wait for me to form a thought.

“Oh that’s not the problem, I’m just trying to figure out how to say what I want to say. I know I’ve sat quiet the whole time but my thoughts are just running rampant.”

The counsellor looked dumbfounded. She didn’t know how to respond to his clear distinction of feeling other than to say, “It’s normal that you feel that way.”

How would you know anything about what normal is; to me? or to the other people in this room, you know nothing about what it is we go through on a daily basis.

“I’m bulimic,” I knew to say that. I paused and realized my lips were still pursed open and so I closed them, before speaking again. I clear my throat. “It started about a year ago. I have self-esteem issues and always have. And I feel like the hatred inside me will spill out of my body every time I expel what is inside my body, and it does, but it always returns. It feels good once I’ve puked my guts out. It’s become an addiction. With the insults I receive daily, they reduce my self-worth to nothing, which makes it easier to harm myself and to continue with my regimen. And the compliments I get as a result of my addiction it just makes it worth the lack of food and the extreme workouts. While I do have a mother, who cares very much about me, she has not yet noticed what I’ve been doing and I try to keep it a secret from her. She’s the only true person in my life that I don’t want to hurt. She’s been through enough as it is.”

“While that is considerate, how would you feel if your mother found out?”

“Ashamed and embarrassed. It would kill me if I hurt my mother.”

“You seem to care about her a lot.”

“I do, I worry about her all the time. She doesn’t have anyone to make sure she’s okay, plus, she’s in a very harmful state.”

“Has she helped in any way toward your addiction?”

“Yes, and no. She helps enable it, that part is true but no I did not start throwing up because of her, if anything I feel more confident beside her. looking like this or previous to my new-found addiction.”

The counsellor had a puzzled look on her face. Trying to read it, it seems pained. I think she might actually care about my case. She stopped asking me questions. She kind of paused for a moment.

“I think he was our last, new person, if you’re new and haven’t spoken, raise your hand.”

If anyone hadn’t spoken up yet, it was hard to tell, except a young female down near the counsellor seemed distraught. I think she was new but I think she was too shy to speak up. I don’t want to make her uncomfortable in making her speak now, but if she feels cast aside, I don’t want to be a bystander either. Maybe I’ll run and try to catch up with her afterwards and we can talk.

“So everyone, I want you all to continue writing in your journals. This is how you’ll communicate with me, for anyone who is new, I will get you a correspondence book which you will bring with you to every session, which is currently every thursday at 4pm. You all may go, but make sure you see me first.” She got up and picked up the stack of paperback school journals and opened the door to the hallway. She allowed for the students to place the used journals on the desk and as the members approached the door, she placed a new journal in each group member’s hands.

As I followed the girl out of the room the counsellor asked me to meet one on one with her. “I think you have a lot to deal with Jacob, if you want, I am available for private counselling as well as group, so if you don’t want to share things with the group you can certainly share them only with me.”

“Thank you Mrs. Browning but I’m not really interested today. Let me think about it.” I kept my eye on the girl as she left the room but found it hard to find her once I got away from Mrs. Browning. I saw her run to meet an older woman, I figure it must be her mother but in truth it could be any which of her female relatives. As for me, I decide to go for a walk and hit the gym. The entire time being locked up in there was driving me crazy.

I put my iPod on shuffle and head out through the streets. The image of the girl implanted on my brain. Her long brown hair tied back into a ponytail. She had a fresh face, no make up and her hair looked more greasy than the other girls’. She looked frightened. But I put the thought away and focus on what’s in front of me. My personal fitness. And a school project but it isn’t due for another week, still it’s good to brainstorm.

At the gym I hit the locker room and get dressed in my workout gear, it’s not the best but I make it work for me. I notice a blue set of goggles on a blue lock. Oh great, Carson is here. I’ll probably get noticed even though I don’t want to be. I get into the weight room and it’s near empty, I hop on a tread-climber and start my stairs for warm up. My heart beating in my ears I step off and waddle my way over to the free weights and throw on a couple of 15’s to each side and find it a bit light so I throw on another 5 to each side and gives me a better work out. I do 12 reps. Feeling good I do some push ups and some crunches, moving on to step ups and the machines, then returning for some stretches and a 3 minute long plank. I take a quick shower and get back to the Locker room. I change and no issues. Carson’s goggles are now gone so I figure he’s swimming and I won’t run into him. Lucky me. 

As I step through the door to our house, I smell dinner on the stove. “Mum?!”

I don’t get a response and start to worry. I head to the kitchen immediately and find that a pot is boiling over so I turn it off, and head to the living room and I see her conked out on the couch. I fear she isn’t breathing, “Mum? Hey Mum? Wakies? Hey, Mum please wake up. I’m not asking come on.” My fingertips tap on her knee a few times before I finally bend down by her head to hear for her breathing and look for her chest to inflate and deflate with air. But it doesn’t. Her body is still warm but I panic, what do I do? I find my phone in my pocket and dial 911 and ask for an ambulance. My mother isn’t breathing, this can’t be happening, I’m beside myself; I can’t, this isn’t. Immediately cop cars arrive and soon after paramedics come bursting through the door.  I’m crumpled on the floor rocking back and forth next to her, holding her hand.

I’m asked to step aside but I find it hard to move, I come back to reality and I stand up, let go of her hand and move to the corner of the room and just watch. It’s so surreal. She’s taken away and I can’t come with her, Why can’t I go with my mother?

Suddenly I wake up. “Mom, are you ok?”

Teary eyed she looks up at me, “Yeah I’m ok, you’re the one that got hurt.”

“I look up and I can’t move my body. IV’s in my arm, a neck brace on. “What Happened? I remember being at the gym, I thought I made it home?”

“No hun, You got into a fight with Carson.”

“Who won?”

“I don’t think that’s an appropriate question, I think you should rather ask how he is.”

“Ok, well how is the jerk that’s bullied me my entire life?”

“He’s dead.”

My heart became heavy as though it were lead and fell into my stomach. “No, he isn’t, he can’t be-“

“You’re not going to jail, they’re not even going to press charges, because you were acting in defence. He jumped you when you were leaving your locker.” She’s distraught. I can’t tell what she’s thinking.

“Mum, I love you. I’m sorry.”

“I know you’re sorry, I’m sorry too. I just, This is a lot, and I wish your father was here, he’d know just how to handle the situation. He’s been in so many himself. Gosh why did he have to go, and I was so close to losing you too.  You can’t ever do this again Jacob, I swear to god.”

I feel as though I’ve disappointed her, and in turn disappointed my father. I have the blood of another man on my hands and I have to live with that for the rest of my life.

How am I? What do I do? Maybe I should take up that counsellor’s offer. When I get out of here, of course. “Mum, What happened? Were there any witnesses? How did I end up like this, what did he do?”

She didn’t answer my questions right away. It seemed like everything just floated through the air. It was hard to really know how to move on with this.

A man in a white coat strode into the room. A stethoscope around his neck.

“Hello Jacob, how are you today?”

How do I answer this question? How does it look like I feel? “I’ve had better days.”

“I wouldn’t doubt that, now do you remember anything that happened yesterday?”

“The last thing I remember was coming home and looking for my mum, and I found her dead on the couch at home. So I called an Ambulance.”

The doctor shared a look with my mother, I’m not sure what it meant, but I’m sure they’ll be talking about me later.

“You must have been really roughed up there, son.”

Please don’t call me son. “Do know what happened?”

“I do, but you don’t need to know, not right now. Would you mind if I talked with your mother for a few minutes please?”

“No, go ahead.” They’re going to anyways, why ask? Whatever. I guess I really didn’t know what alone felt like until this moment right now. I miss my Dad. I wish he could talk with me now. I want to know he isn’t embarrassed by me. They seem to be taking a long time. Is my mum sobbing? oh god no. Please, I don’t want her to cry for me. I didn’t want this, I tried so hard. Please, Why?

My thoughts faded away and soon so did the light, the room began growing dark and I could keep my eyes open any longer.

“Son? Jacob,” 

“Yes, dad?”

“Jacob, I am proud of you, I am always proud of you. And this, what happened yesterday wasn’t your fault. I was there with you Jacob, I am always with you.” He gestured to my heart. 

“But Dad, I killed someone, and I don’t even remember a thing, but I feel so guilty. I never wanted to kill him, I just wanted him to learn his manners.” 

“I know, Son.”

“Dad, can you tell me what happened? No one else will and I think I should know.”

“I can’t tell you, but I can show you.”

And as he whispered those words to me a bright flash of light spurred through my optic nerves. I was back in the locker room, but this time I was a witness, I was watching myself, as though it were a dream. Carson ran up behind me and rammed my head into the locker door keeping his hands on my back pack. Feeling the presence I took it off and swung around to see him, quickly I pushed the bag into him and it dropped to the floor, giving me enough time to punch his gut and he fell backward toward a locker. He began coughing blood, but hadn’t hit his head, he came back to punch me and i ducked, his hand punching the locker. I returned back to him, standing on the bench in the middle of the sectioned area, I swung down and punched him in the nose, he tried pushing me off the bench but I kicked him in the groin. He came at me again but I jumped off of the bench and into the open hallway. He came at me again and got a good hit at my skull, my ear began bleeding. I pulled his hair and smashed his face against the bench and picked up my bag to run off when I was confronted by Carson’s best friends who were also on the football team. They took it upon themselves to knock me out and I went seemingly willingly. I smucked my head on a bench as I fell into darkness.  And as everyone left, and I was alone in the change room, the visual of my father was there, talking me through it, even though I was unconscious, and unaware, he was there. In spirit. 

“Dad, I-“

“Son, I love you more than words can express, please take care of yourself and your mother. I don’t want to see either of you until you’re as old as your great grandparents.”

“I love you, too dad. And I promise.” He was gone as soon as he arrived. I already miss him. I didn’t even get a hug, but maybe he can’t. I put the thought away to avoid sadness. 

Suddenly bright lights shine through my eyelids and i wake with a light headache. I want to move up out of bed but again I’m still stuck in the hospital bed. Everyone in the room is looking at me and I become worried. “What’s going on?”

“Oh nothing, you’ve just been out for about a week, we could see your eyes moving but you weren’t waking, we knew it would be soonish, but we didn’t think it would be a week.”

I want to tell mum I saw dad, but i don’t want to scare her, i feel like I’ve done that enough. I’ll keep him to myself for a while. “Oh.”

“Well Jacob, you have a visitor, if you’re ok to see her.”

“Who is she?”

“She only said she was a friend of yours.”

I don’t know any girls who would call themselves a friend of mine. But I’ll keep that to myself. “Uhm, ok, I guess I’m ok to see her.”

The doctor stood in the doorway and gestured for her to come into the room. She looks so familiar. 

“Jacob! Thank gosh you’re alive, I can’t believe this-“

“Hey, uhm I think I recognize you but I don’t know your name?”

“Oh, sorry, where are my manners?  I’m Lorna.” Aside she whispered “from group.”

She remembered my mom didn’t know. I was going to talk to her. I remember something! 

“Thank you for not telling the instructor that I hadn’t had a chance to speak. I knew you knew but it didn’t seem like anyone else did.”

“Yeah I, I wanted to talk to you about it after but you ran off, and I saw your mom, I think.” She Is so cute. 

“Uhm actually, she’s my aunt. My parents both passed away when I was very young and they took me in. It’s like they’re my real birth parents, but knowing that they aren’t, it bothers me.”

She’s so lovely. I don’t understand why she needs addiction counselling or even for self harm. Wait she just told me- “Lorna, What do you do?” I flash a look of sympathy, hoping she knows what I’m asking.

She hesitated. Maybe she doesn’t understand. Or maybe she doesn’t want to tell me, Maybe she was just there to observe, that maybe she wasn’t there to get help but to help. Oh my gosh, how awesome.

“Josh I, uhm, well I don’t really do much more than negative self-talk. But I know that it’s a freeway to all the things that others have done or continue to do and I, I want to beat it before it beats me. You know?”

She is so brilliant. “I understand.”

“Thank you for not giving me away to the instructor that I hadn’t spoken up by the way, I’m not really sure what I would have said if I had been called on.”

“Yeah, I wanted to catch up with you to make sure you didn’t feel cast aside but you were with your aunt, I guess. Sorry I’m rambling.”

“No worries. it’s cute, plus you were in a coma for a little while. Only makes sense.” She casted me the most beautiful smile I’d ever seen. Her teeth aren’t the most straight but her concern comes by honestly.

“Oh, right.” She made me silent. I wasn’t quite sure what to say next except that I want my mum out of the room. “Hey mom?”

“She left when I entered the room Jacob.”

“Oh, I was just about to ask her for some privacy.”

“Why’s that?”

“Because I think I like you.”

“I think I like you too.”

She put her hand on the cast around my hand and I felt warm near my heart. I felt a flutter in my belly and it was weird. It’s like something a teenage girl should feel when she flirts with a guy, or however that is in those romantic comedies and girly books they read, but maybe she felt it too. She kissed my nose, “I wish you well, Jacob.”

“Don’t go-“

“I have to, my family will be worried sick.”

“Fair enough-” Suddenly I felt disappointed, but I understood. I shouldn’t be so selfish.

“I’ll be back tomorrow, around the same time.”

“See you then, Lorna.”

She turned away in her slim black trench coat. and blue skinny jeans, her legs finally ending in a pair of white Chuck Taylor hi-tops. Her long curly brown hair swung behind her as she swung away from my bed. She seemed real cool, and I want to keep her around. Maybe we could be good for each other. But right now, I need to focus on getting better, so that I can treat her the way she so rightfully deserves.

 

 

 

A sorrowful tale

She spoke silent whispers as she peered out the window and counted the trees the car had passed. It was mid October and the leaves had already turned to the beautiful colours of autumn. It was a bright day considering the tragedy that had just occurred. It was all she could do to keep herself from crying.
The soft murmur of the radio was playing a song that reminded her of summer. A summer that had just passed. A song that she related to quite a lot. She loved the oldies and thought that she was born into the wrong decade. She went to turn up the volume of the song but her hand was swatted away. She thought better than to argue and tried to listen more intently to the song rather than the noise of the vehicle in motion. She rested her head back on the cushion of the seat and tried to sleep or at least occupy her mind with other things. She knew what happened. She was hurt. But she didn’t want to show weakness. She wanted to be strong like her mother. She loved him and it hurt her to think that people could pass away so wrongly.

Hurt

In darkness i wait for a call. Whether on the phone or as simple as my name being yelled from just down the hall. I lay still. I avoid thinking, it only makes the pain more hurtful. I continue to hide under the covers. I don’t want to get up, but I don’t want to sleep either. This pain in my heart growing larger in my chest as seconds pass on. I’m thinking, and I stop. I think about the people around me. And I stop thinking. I listen for any shred of help. Still a loud silence echoing in my ears. I pinch my arm to awaken and find myself unharmed and very much awake. It didn’t help me. I look at the desk across from the bed. In the drawer, hidden sharps, and even as I know not to touch them I feel compelled to go to the drawer and open it. Opening the bag containing my weakness, the one thing I know I must not turn to. My sharps. And as I toss and turn in my bed, as I lay awake trying to push myself out of  bed, I turn to my night stand and find a broach i wore yesterday. It’s sharp, it may not be a knife, but it is sharp. I sit up in my bed and hold the the flower so that I see all the beautiful gems sparkle in the daylight from the cracks of the curtains. I flip it over and open the pin and place it in my palm to make it easier to penetrate my arm with the sharpness of the needle. It scratches my arm as though a cat had taken her claws to me. And it’s relieving. It somehow allows a coolness to melt the trouble away.

The One That Almost Got Away

He patiently waited for the door to open smoothly to reveal the beauty of the woman he loved. He lingered at the bar. It had been nearly 20 minutes since he had first entered the restaurant, making her only 10 minutes late, but he was already feeling blue. As he continued to wait for her, he kept a close eye on the table. He had just ordered a glass of water from the bar before returning to his seat at the table. He sat facing the door so that he could greet her when she came in. He sat for another thirty seconds which felt like nearly an eternity. He hadn’t seen her since Monday. Of course they talked, but he misses her. He misses the way that she looked at him when she was joking around, the way her eyes would flutter as though she were an innocent child, they way she couldn’t wink when she says things like, ‘That’s what she said.’ He took a short sip from the cool fogged glass, when his cellular device started ringing in his pocket. He thought it was a call, but it was just a text. He put his phone back in his pocket deeming it unimportant. A few moments later, it rang again, and he saw Tiffany calling him. He answered it hoping she wouldn’t take long.

“Hey, Liam?” Sobs caught in her throat.

“What’s going on Tiff?”

“Nothing, it’s just no, it’s nothing. I shouldn’t have called you. I’ll leave you be.”

“No, Tiffany, talk to me please? It doesn’t sound like nothing, where are you?”

“Home-”

Without a second to pass, he left his drink on the table and headed out the door. He put his jacket over his arm and quickly escaped the thralls of the restaurant and jumped into his Porsche. He drove into the driveway and ran up the path leading to the front door. Instead of knocking upon the door, he turned the handle to find it locked. He rang the door bell again and again. He worried about her far more than he dared to admit. Suddenly his cell phone rang and he let it go. Again, it rang some more, he lifted it out of his pocket to look at the brightly lit screen. the caller ID read, Ava (the girl he left at the restaurant). The girl he had missed, but no more than he missed Tiffany. Unexpectedly the door opened and Liam caught himself before he falling flat on the floor and put his phone back into his pocket, as though it were second nature.

Tiffany immediately hugged him. “I miss you so much, Liam.” She felt as though she were about to cry. She held him until she could no longer. She fell weak into his arms and he carried her to the couch to lay her down. All the things he wanted to forget about, all the things he had forgotten, came back like a wave upon a shore. As soon as he saw her face, all the feelings, and all the memories of her came flooding back. He loved her but couldn’t admit it. He thought he didn’t love her anymore. He thought he didn’t want to.

His mind became boggled. He became confused, he thought he wanted Ava, he thought his chances with Tiffany were through. He never wanted to throw it away, but he had to. He was left in ruins and it wasn’t fair. It wasn’t fair to either of them, but it was clear, they were made for each other. It just wasn’t the right time then. And now? Now, was the time. Liam held Tiffany in his arms and kissed her soggy cheek. He wiped away the tears and whispered, “I still love you Tiffany.”

His voice was all too familiar and it made her feel new. It made her feel wanted and perfect. It was a feeling she hadn’t felt in a long time and now, now she was sure it was real. She was sure she wanted this with him. She wanted him back.

“I love you so much Liam, please don’t leave me, don’t leave me again.”

“I promise, I won’t.”

Again his phone rang. The room echoed a rotary phone ring. He took the phone out of his pocket and stared at it.

“Are you going to answer it?” Tiffany looked worried. She hoped that it wasn’t a rouse, that he was being honest that he had spoken the truth to her. She hoped it wasn’t another woman.

“No,” He pressed the end button and shut it off, to ignore the calls he would receive. He felt bad, he did, for leading her on, but he knew, he knew Ava wasn’t the one he loved. And he would deal with her in the morning; he had a lot of catching up to do.

In Truth

She sat in her room alone. She drew the curtains closed, locked the door of her room and listened to the music that left her reminiscent of times gone by. The songs that made her heart melt at one point in time, now, left her feeling cold. It left her wishing that she was still with the man she would have only seen for two weeks out of a year, because to her, he was worth suffering for. She loved him, and in her heart and in her brain, she knows, she still loves him. The end? It never felt like the end, it felt like a story requiring a sequel. It felt like a movie without any ending. It felt like a song without any movement, or maybe it’s more like a cake without the icing or as though a beautiful dove is now encased by a small cage, left uncared for; leaving her wondering if she will ever be free. Is it a mindset? Is it something she can control? Her mind wanders endlessly hoping to feel again, to feel anything more than pure sadness. She meandered around her bedroom and looked and even played with the belongings she forgot she had. She looked at photographs and letters. She re-read conversations on her phone and laptop. She found the teddy bear he bought for her, for no other reason than because he wanted to make her happy. She found herself hugging it and then remembered that he doesn’t love her anymore. She felt compelled to toss it away. To tear it apart and throw it in the trash, but as she looked upon the heart on its chest, the nice white glow of fur, and the big beady black eyes, she couldn’t do it. She still hugged it, because she needed a hug. She longed for a hug, not just any hug, but a hug from him. A hug that would never come. She threw the bear into the closet underneath the clothes she’d never wear, she put the notes and the letters and the photos of him in the same box underneath her clothes. She wanted him out of her mind. She felt lost, bewildered and ashamed. She wanted to forget him, but everything she does, reminds her of him. Everywhere she goes she sees something he might like or she does something that reminds her of something he’d say or has said. And even though the pain feels worse as each day passes, she knows her time will come. Her once delicate white angelic wings are now black and blue with a mash-up of purple and yellow, the feathers frayed and split. It was as though she were malting and growing in new feathers. And even though she feels ugly now, and feels as though she will never be completely satisfied with the life she now has; she will again spread her once broken wings and she will fly many times more.

A Silent Wish

She sat against the bay window, her legs stretched across the soft, comfy pale blue cushions beneath her. She wore an oatmeal coloured hoodie and a tight-fitting pair of jeans. Her comfy mismatching socks and a book in her hands. Her tiny white phone rested opposite to her. She looked up from her book and watched the rain pour down from the heavens above. Her head lolled back and rested against the cool glass of the window. She pressed her left cheek and forehead against the cool pane, and felt the pressure from her head slowly melt away. The young woman soon flipped the page to find the words ‘the end’ written in fine calligraphy. She felt whole for a moment and became sad that it was over. She closed the hard cover and found tears well in her eyes. Her phone vibrated and nearly fell off of the cushion it laid on but Brianne swiftly swung for it before it had the chance. The text read, “I’ll be over before you can say, ‘Where are you.'” Just as she tested the theory, the door bell rang, and Brianne ran down the stairs. She was careful not to slip, cart-wheel down the stairs and slide into the door at the bottom. Instead she quickly and swiftly arrived at the door. She stood behind the door for five quick seconds and adjusted herself before  grasping the doorknob. The bell rang once more as she pulled the door wide open.

“Hey, Brie, how are you today?” Joey asked enthusiastically, it was almost as though he were jumping up and down on the porch begging her to come out and play.

“Oh I’m alright.” Brianne Smiled, “Would you like to come in?” She left a space between her and the door. She winced at the water dripping from his forehead forgetting that it was just water.

“Nah, come out with me!” Joey said excitedly, “It’ll be fun!”

“What are you? Nuts?” Brianne shivered and shook her head, then the idea rolled around in her head.

“Nah, I just enjoy the rain. Come on it’ll be fun.” Joe tried taking her by the hand but Brianne quickly pulled it back. “There’s this place I want to show you, down where the river and the bridge meet, it’s really nice, come on, let’s go!”

She was rather hesitant but finally, she spoke, “Okay, fine, but let me get dressed for the weather.” Before Brianne could turn around and get in through the doorway, Joey had already gently pulled Brianne toward him. They were now standing on the porch with the rain pouring down and for a moment, Brianne felt perfect. It is was like heaven on earth as he softly touched her hips and kissed her soft supple lips. The rain continued and Joey’s hair began to flop down on his forehead while Brianne’s only started dampening. The water gushing and extinguishing the heat between them.

She created a space, “Let me go get a jacket and some shoes on okay?” Her lips puckered and she bit them before removing her hand from his shoulder and turning away. 

Joey followed her through the door and watched her silently as she put on her leather jacket that seemingly matched the one he wore and she put on her leather boots just to make sure her feet would stay dry. “Okay, let’s go.” She stood up and looked at Joey, they kissed once more before they leapt through the door and headed outside into the light pour of rain. They walked for a few minutes and the storm had already passed. They watched for large puddles in the road and crossed under a bridge. They walked along a pathway for what seemed an eternity to Brianne, however was only half an hour. They came up to a secluded area of the bush and Joey immediately tossed a flat rock at the surface of the river, causing it  to skip over each oncoming wave. Brianne imitated Joey’s movements and also tossed flat rocks into the river. Joey paused and studied Brianne’s movements, he thought she was gorgeous the way she would continue to toss the rocks into the river and just watch them fall to the floor of the crevice, hoping for a different outcome.

“Here, let me help you,’ Joey offered happily, as he came to stand behind her. Brianne cocked her head at joey and continued throwing flat rocks into the river, “No, let me do it, I wanna do it!” She said in the best child-like voice she could muster.

“Fine, but you won’t ever skip ’em like me.” he tossed a rock into the river and as it jumped he nodded his head. It jumped seven more times.

“Pssht, okay Mr. I’m perfect,” Brianne joked, she giggled and tossed a few more smooth stones before taking a seat on the short rock wall, which stationed only a few steps from the shore. The secluded area of the river was roundly encased by bushes and trees. Stones and sand filled the walking space. The water was clear and shallow and she stared at the ripples caused by the rocks that Joey tossed at the soft surface of the river. Brianne found herself becoming mesmerized by the sounds and feelings she got from sitting on the stone wall. Joey came up to her at the rock. He hugged her and kissed her and lifted her off of the rock wall. He swung her around and made her think he’d throw her into the pond but at the last second swung her back around to face the wall. He kissed her and held her. He didn’t want to let her go, but he did. He put her back down on her own two feet and hugged her before waking up in tears.

A Picket Fence Kind Of Life

She stared across the empty room. She took a short walk to the window and touched the glass with the tips of her fingernails, to avoid ruining the pristine transparent façade. She looked down to see the street where the car was parked, as her boyfriend continued packing the car with her belongings. Quickly, she turned to the room and made a short trip around the house to make sure she wasn’t forgetting something. She picked up her guitar and art supplies in the foyer of her studio apartment. Her boyfriend swiftly opened the door not realising she was behind it as she jumped aside to avoid the blow of the door.

“Hey, you okay?”

“Yeah I’m fine, just wasn’t expecting you to come up and help me.”

“Of course I’m gonna help you.” He took the guitar from her right hand and placed it back onto the floor. He made sure that she still had her art supplies comfortably in her arms before picking it back up. She followed him down the stairs careful not to trip up on the concrete stairs leading out of the brown wooden door of the apartment.  They played Tetris with their belongings and once they fit in like a perfect little puzzle, they closed the trunk and the rear doors of the car. Before driving off from the apartment, they went back up the stairs of the house. She was wearing a royal blue sun dress and a pair of matching opaque dark-blue heels. Which had once seemed like a brilliant idea that morning, proved that it was no longer a decision she was proud to call her own. They ran up to the house and looked up and down the apartment and found that they had nothing left to bring to the car. He stood at the door, “Are you ready?”

She stood silently and stared into the empty place she called home. “I don’t know, it’s definitely a place I’ll miss.”

They shared a silence. It was more an appreciation and an understanding sort of  silence.

She spoke first, “Will we be okay, being together all the time?”

Thrown off, his expression turned puzzling, but he quickly recovered, “Steph, I love you and I want us to work out. We’ve been together for years. Moving in together, It’s step forward in our relationship and I think we’re ready for it.”

“I know Zac, but I just, I worry and I’m scared and I love you so much and I don’t want us to mess this up.”

“I know my love, but trust me, it’ll all work out.”

“I hope you’re right,” Stephanie tucked her hands into the pockets of her light jacket and looked down and scuffed her shoe at the ground.

“Awe, come here, Steph.” He walked toward her and wrapped his arms around her and she opened up to give a hug in return. He held her like he’d never let her go. It was a feeling she had become comfortable knowing. She remembered it from the first time he hugged her. She knew somewhere that life was just perfect with him. She wanted to live her life with him. And she never looked back.

Stale Silence

They were silent as she opened the door of their parent’s house. It had been some time since they last visited the house. They saw her parents regularly, or at least they tried to, but they often found it hard as their lives had begun to take off in their own directions. The sisters had gone in their own directions and left their family ties behind.

As they walked through the cold, stale air of their parents’ old house. They moved in understanding silence. Unsure of what to say to one another. They walked together yet in distance. They spoke silent words of kindness. As they moved up into the bedroom, they had found long-lost photos of their wedding night, of their parents’ parents, and even some of their own baby photos. It was a different time. They often spent hours on end with each other. They loved each other and they showed it. Angela began to cry. She forgot how much she missed the family time, she forgot how much she loved her family, and as she began to cry, Pauline comforted her, she faced her and hugged her. Pauline felt the same way.

The family split up for so many reasons. Reasons that didn’t exist any more. Grudges and revenge and jealousy took over the family and split them apart. the death of their only parents, reuniting them together. They looked around the bedroom and took only of theirs which they had wanted to keep in loving memory. Most of them were photos, others were jewelry, the things that mum always had  and always wore, things that dad had given her.

They tidied up the house as well before other family came by to swing up whatever was left of their brother or sister, or cousin or niece. They were like crows scrounging off of the left over bread crumbs of someone else’s life. Gathering for a single moment of silence before tearing apart the bonds of the family by getting selfish.

The sisters were in and out like a flash, they didn’t want to stay, they didn’t even want to be seen. They left the house in Pauline’s tiny car, and drove out to Angela’s place. While they were there, they continued in silence. No words could be used in comfort, just knowing what the other one needs, was enough. Pauline made some tea for her and her sister, while Angela arranged some of the new photos. She found a CD in which she made for her parents a long while back and put it in the DVD player. She wanted to watch it, but she didn’t want to cry.

When Pauline came in with their steaming hot camomile tea, she nodded to Angela to let the memoir play. My Love by Celine Dion started playing. It showed pictures of the family that neither Angela nor Pauline had ever met, and it soon came to their grandparents, and their family, then to their children; Pauline and Angela’s parents, and presenting then their family. It finally came down to Pauline and Angela, and their immediate family and friends and the pictures that had been taken while they were young right up until the video was made. They remembered how much their parent’s loved the memoir. The emotions were running high and both daughters found it hard not to shed a single tear. They had forgotten that it was even made, until they went through their parents’ drawers. They cried for the separation of the family, for turning their backs on the people who loved them the most and would have done anything for them.  They held each other until the credits rolled and the song stopped playing. They cried until their tea was too cold to drink, and had to re-heat it in the microwave.

They wanted their parents, they wanted to tell them goodbye, but all they could muster, was a simple, in unison, “I’m so sorry.”

Young Love

She swung back and forth on the porch swing, which sat on the deck of the back door. Her long blonde hair flying away from her face as the swing pulled her back and propelled her forward.  She twirled the forget-me-not’s stem between her fingers and spun it between her palms. She brought it to her nose and smelled the faint floral scent of the flower. She felt the soft petals between her fingers and slowly began plucking at each petal individually letting them flutter through the air and land softly on the brick laid deck. Until she finally spoke the words, “He loves me.”

She stood up from the porch swing and ran into the house, “Mommy, can I go to Ben’s house?”

“Why hunny?”

“I have something I want to tell him.” She twirled back and forth in her – dress.

“Did you call and see if you’re allowed to come over?”

“No, I wanted it to be a surprise for him.”

“Okay, you know what, I’ll call his Mum, and we’ll see okay honey?” She brushed her hand through her young daughter’s hair, before reaching for the phone beside the couch.

“Hey Bev, It’s Jane, Lizzy wants to know if she can come over to surprise Ben.”

“Hey Jane! Oh yeah, I don’t think that’ll be too much of a problem. We can have you both over in an hour? is that okay?”

“Yeah for sure, thanks Bev.”

“Oh no problem, any time really.”

“Thank you so much, I’ll bring over snackies or something.”

“Sure that sounds great! Girls night with a play date, sounds quaint.”

Lizzy began getting nervous, well what did she say? Can I come over?”

Beverly and Jane continued talking and Jane waved her arm at Lizzy who was constantly trying to figure out what was going on. 

“She said to come over in an hour.”

“Okay but I want to go now.”

I know you do sweetie, but relax and take some time out, it’s not fair to just show up when they aren’t expecting company.

Minutes later, Lizzy and Jane were getting into the car. Lizzy let her hair fall around her and dressed in her green sun-dress and had her pink and purple snap purse pulled over her shoulder.

“So hunny, why do you want to visit Ben today?”

“I just, I want to see him. I miss him from school.” She sat still in the back seat of the car. She twirled her hair between her fingers and stopped as soon as she realized she was doing it. She was shy and embarrassed.

Moments later she arrived at the front door of Ben’s house. She found it increasingly difficult to find the courage to ring the door bell. She wanted to just tell him what she thought but she was so nervous. At first she knocked on the door, and nothing happened, she tried knocking a little louder, but still, it was silent. She built up the courage to ring the door bell, and suddenly Moxie came up running and barking at the door. Lizzy remembered the dog and immediately a smile appeared on her face.  Ben came to the door chasing Moxie, and found Lizzy behind the screen door.

“Hi Lizzy!” A wide smile spread upon Ben’s face.

“Hi Ben, how are you?” From the moment she saw him, she found it hard to speak. There were so many questions she wanted to ask, but it was different. She didn’t know what dating was, she didn’t know that, that was what she wanted with him. She only knew how she felt about him.

“I’m good.”

“Hey Elizabeth, would you like to come in?” Beverly inquired.

Lizzy stood silent, and nodded her head.

Beverly promptly opened the door and allowed Lizzy and soon after, allowed Jane into the house as well. Ben and Lizzy went to the play room to talk and play. Lizzy found it easier to talk to Ben, but was still confused about how or even what to tell him. Instead she asked him questions.

“Ben, when we play at school together, do you have fun?” She looked at him, and pulled her hair back behind her ears.

“Mhm,” Ben answered, he felt shy around Lizzy. He liked her. But he didn’t know why. He went to the bookshelf and found his Lego. He had started to build a car and decided to continue working on it.

“Ben, do you like me?” She felt weird and shy. She pulled her hair out from behind her eyes, tried hiding behind it, but still looked at him as he played with his Lego.

“You’re my friend Lizzy of course I like you.” He looked up to catch a glimpse of her.

Lizzy spoke quietly and slowly, trying to form the words in her head before she said them aloud, “Ben, if we were older, like much older, would you want to marry me?” This time she held herself tight, her stomach was in knots.

Ben looked up to see Lizzy’s eyes, “Yes, Lizzy, I would want to.”

Lizzy let herself go and gave Ben a hug and couldn’t let him go the moment he dropped his toy and hugged her in return.

“I’ll be right back, Liz.” He pulled away to grab his music player and put on one of his CD’s, it started playing London Bridge, “Lizzy?” He held out his hand like he had seen while watching bits of The Titanic with his mother. Lizzy grabbed his hand and Ben kissed the back of it before pulling her up from the cushion she sat on and began dancing with her. In love, and unable to name how and what it was that they felt for each other; the feeling was indescribable. They didn’t have to tell each other that they loved one another; they felt it every time they looked at each other, it was there in silence.